Originally uploaded: 4th January 2020
It's been a while, hasn't it?
But what would a new year be without using the new motivation to start writing again. New Year, new blog posts. Makes sense, right?
But it doesn't explain why I went ghost for months.
At first it was planned. I was working at camp all throughout summer and moving to Germany for my year abroad. I knew I wouldn't have time to write, let alone keeping up with my own deadlines. But time kept going
and I wasn't writing.
I would call it ‘writer’s block’ but that would miminalise the reality of a much bigger situation.
This isn't a justification piece, I'm not trying to justify why I haven't been writing because - let's be real - nobody cares.
This is to say: I'm miserable.
The summary of last couple months of 2019 can be summed up as being miserable.
The truth of the matter is, I hate being in Germany.
I won't sugar coat it, I hate being here. All my energy has been used to keep myself from falling apart. And when people ask how I’m finding Germany or how my summer was, I can’t afford to lie. I can't spare myself this lie, Lord knows.
But, you know what I hate the most - when people say: "There are going to be so many future benefits to studying in Germany."
Blödsinn.
(Hey, I mean, at least I learnt something.)
I really don't see "the benefits" when I'm crying every day. It’s very hard to see "the benefits" when you're invisible. It's hard to be happy when you have no one to talk to.
But then - but then I hear this voice. I hear this small voice whisper into my ear:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Huh?
Comparison is the thief of joy and the joy of the Lord is our strength.
The focus on going home or finishing my year abroad has robbed my joy; I’m comparing it to my present moment. I’m comparing these “future benefits” and “future happiness” to my present situation.
Girl, shut up, you make no sense.
Have you ever stared at the hands of a clock and realised that time has stopped? You will for them to move with your mind but those hands are stuck, pointing at you, taunting you.
Time stands still.
This is the Quantum Zeno Effect: observation stops movement.
Now, please don't quote me or come at me because I know I'm probably simplifying a complex scientific definition. But, let me repeat this again:
Observation stops movement.
Although, the time continuum continues, we perceive that time stands still when we look at the construction of the clock - the object designed to measure time. We rely on its function of accuracy, although it can be wrong, although we construct the construction of time.
When you are constantly looking for something you will never see movement. You will always feel stuck.
What does this have to do with comparison?
Comparison is the result of observation.
And, therefore, not only does comparison steal your joy - which is your strength - but it steals your perception of growth.
So now what? I'm stuck and miserable.
It would be too easy to say stop comparing yourself to other people, things, expectations.
Yep too easy to say that. And life is not too easy.
Baby girl, you fight.
You’ve got to battle with the elements and learn growth goes beyond the construction of a clock. You’ve got to lose the battle to win the war - that’s what they say, right?
But, honey, I’m losing. I’m losing daily and being buried into this infertile ground of indifference.
Find your victory.
See victory in defeat.
In what seems like nothing, find victory in it.
Baby boy reclaim your joy.
Now, I'm by no means in this amazing place of joy because of this "revelation". I still have bad days. Really bad days. But I find something to hold onto. I try to find joy in my weaknesses, in the mundane. I'm trying to get somewhere with a badly dealt hand.
In conclusion, reclaim your joy. See it in the small things as well as the big things. And remember sometimes, in order to grow, you've got to lose rather than gain.